The "Difficult" Baby: Retracing the Early Signs of Multi-Neurodivergence
We are often told: "It’s just colic", "He’ll grow out of it", or "Boys are just slower". And the worst one, whispered by well-meaning relatives: "You’re holding him too much. He’s never gonna learn to be independent, if he’s clinging to you".
If you are reading this at 3.00 am with a toddler who feels heavier than the world, or maybe a baby who screams the moment their skin touches a crib sheet... I see you.
I am Joanna, a mother to three, including an 8-year-old and a 4-year-old who, between them, navigate a potent "neurospicy cocktail" of ASD, ADHD, HSP, and HPI (High Inteligence Pottential – also known as Giftedness).
Looking back now, with the clarity of hindsight and their diagnoses, I realise the signs were there from day one. We just didn't know how to read them. We thought we had a "difficult" baby. What we actually had, was a highly sensitive, high-potential nervous system that was on fire.
If you are in the trenches, wondering why the standard parenting books feel like fiction, here's the validation and the science you’ve been looking for.
The "High Needs" Infant (The Nervous System on Fire)
The Reality: Our babies didn't just "cry". They screamed with a visceral intensity that rattled our bones. They were the babies who didn't sleep. The "drowsy but awake" advice was a cruel joke. The moment we lowered them into the cot, their eyes would snap open, or they would arch their backs in distress.
We spent months bouncing on yoga balls, pacing hallways, and "wearing" them in slings for hours just to keep the peace.
The "Spoiled" Myth: People told us we were creating a rod for our own backs. "If you keep picking him up, he'll never learn to self-soothe"… or "That baby is sticked to you 24/7".
The Science Anchor: Proprioception & Regulation This isn't manipulation, it’s biology. Many neurodivergent babies (especially AuDHD/SPD) have a dysregulated Proprioceptive System. They cannot feel where their body is in space, which causes a sensation of floating or falling. Being held tight in a carrier or a sling provides deep pressure input. This pressure releases dopamine and serotonin, calming the sympathetic nervous system (fight-or-flight). You weren't "spoiling" your baby, you were acting as their external nervous system because theirs wasn't ready to regulate itself yet.
The Alertness Paradox (HPI/Giftedness Signs)
The Reality: While they were physically unsettled, there was something else there... an intensity in their eyes. My HPI (High Intellectual Potential) children didn't have that "glazed over" newborn look. They seemed to be studying the room. They were too alert. They fought sleep because their brains were already hungry for input, yet their sensory systems were overwhelmed by it.
The Myth: "He's just overtired".
The Science Anchor: The Hyper-Active Brain. Giftedness (HPI) is not just about being "smart" later in school; it is a neurological wiring present since birth. It often comes with a need for less sleep and a higher demand for mental stimulation. When you mix HPI (intense alertness) with HSP (feeling everything deeply), you get a baby who is taking in 100x more data than a neurotypical infant… lights, sounds, micro-expressions, and has no way to filter it out. The result? A massive "crash".
The Texture Wars: Weaning and Wardrobe
The Reality: Weaning was supposed to be fun. For us, it was a minefield. Lumps caused gagging so severe it looked like choking. "Messy play" resulted in distress, not joy. Then came the clothes. A seam on a sock, a label on a t-shirt, or the "crunch" of denim could derail an entire morning.
The Myth: "He’s just a picky eater". or "She’s being a drama queen about her socks".
The Science Anchor: Tactile Defensiveness. For a child with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), tactile input can register as pain. The brain's "gating" mechanism (which filters out the feeling of clothes for most people) is wide open. That sock seam doesn't just feel annoying, it feels like a piece of wire cutting into their foot. The gagging isn't fussiness, it's a protective mechanism because their oral motor system can't predict where the food is in their mouth.
The "Explosive" Toddler (Meltdowns vs. Tantrums)
The Reality: This is the hardest part to navigate in public. The sudden, earth-shattering explosion because the toast was cut into squares instead of triangles, or because the wind blew too hard. These weren't typical "I want a cookie" tantrums. These were full-body losses of control, screaming, throwing, sometimes hitting.
The Myth: "You need to impose limits", or "Look at that brat".
The Science Anchor: The Amygdala Hijack. There is a clinical difference between a Tantrum (behavioral: "I want the toy") and a Meltdown (biological: "I can't cope"). In a neurodivergent brain (especially AuDHD), the "bucket" of tolerance fills up faster due to sensory, emotional, and executive demands. When it overflows, the Amygdala (danger center) hijacks the brain, shutting down the Prefrontal Cortex (logic). Crucial Note: If your child is HPI (Gifted), they often know their reaction is irrational, but they can't stop it. This adds a layer of deep shame to the meltdown.
The "Spiky" Profile: Milestones Delayed and Skipped
The Reality: Both our boys didn't walk until late, around 16 months. Our eldest didn't talk until we were worried... and then he spoke in full sentences. With his brother we didn’t worry at all… This is the most confusing part of the "Cocktail." How can a child be advanced enough to understand complex mechanics or emotional nuances, but unable to put on their own shoes or sleep through the night?
The Science Anchor: Asynchronous Development. Neurotypical development is a straight line. Neurodivergent development (especially 2e - Twice Exceptional) is a jagged mountain range. Their intellect might be 3 years ahead, while their emotional regulation is 2 years behind. This is the hallmark of the "Neurospicy" child. The delay in walking or talking wasn't a lack of ability; it was often a case of the brain prioritising other data (like observing patterns), before outputting motor skills.
From a parent, to a parent. Trust Your Whispers !
If you are reading this and nodding your head, tears coming down your face, because it sounds too familiar: Trust your gut.
You are not crazy. You are not a bad parent. And your child is not "broken". They are just wired differently. They are wired for intensity, for depth, and yes, for struggle in a world that isn't built for them… yet.
The early years are the hardest, because you are navigating the storm without a map. But, knowing why the storm is happening, is the first step to building a shelter.
You have found your village. We are figuring this out together
Are you navigating the early signs right now? Drop a comment below and let's validate each other.